The Beginning: Daughters of Destiny…
When I was 11, my mom sent me to a church program that promoted abstinence until marriage called “Daughters of Destiny”. Most people would think that introducing an 11-year-old to sex is a little premature, but in this climate, and considering that I was in middle school, it was a good investment.
Throughout Daughters of Destiny, we were taught the basics about sex. Protection, maturity, expectations. We were also taught about the consequences, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and psychically. We went to weekend classes that had speakers who all encouraged us to do one thing: wait until marriage. Daughters of Destiny taught me that sex is more mental than it is physical. I learned that waiting was one of the best things to do to protect my heart and mind. I learned all these things with a bunch of other little girls who were naïve to the ideas of sex. We were—and some of us still are—emotionally underdeveloped, and completely inexperienced.
My Life Reflected in Television…
God has a funny sense of humor. Because why not release a very successful TV show about a young adult who's also a virgin who's abstaining until marriage? 'Jane the Virgin' is a show that has come to be one of my favorites. When the show began, the protagonist, 23-year-old Jane was set to marry to the love of her life, Michael. She’d just finished undergrad, and was on her way to graduate school to be a famous world renown writer. Everything was set in place. There was just one problem: she got pregnant. Not by having sex, but by accidental artificial insemination. Yes. you read that right. Accidental artificial insemination. Jane toils with how her choice to wait and do things the “right way” have been interrupted because of a careless mistake.
In the show, Jane openly mentions how her virginity, was a very important part of her life, and was a big factor in who she was. In the show (spoiler alert) Jane struggles with the same things abstinent people do in real life: she almost has sex before she's married, she has to physically restrain herself when being intimate with her boyfriend, set serious boundaries. Everything. And eventually, Jane loses her virginity once she's married but the shows does a great job in highlighting the reality of being an abstinent young adult. I find myself relating to Jane in a lot of ways especially when it comes to the challenge of celibacy. I especially struggle with people telling me how they believe that I’ll give in early.
Doubters…
It has always amazed me when people vocalized what they believed my strengths were. Of course, it isn't radical to believe that people will lose their virginity early in their young adult life. But I always wonder why people genuinely do not believe that people have the will power for celibacy. I couldn't tell you how many times I’ve been told that I would have sex before marriage. And it does get exhausting having to explain that my will power isn't completely nonexistent.
Lets Get Real…
People always ask if I get tempted, and the answer is “of course!” Of course there will always be temptation. Yes I will think about sex, more often than not. I’m a college student, the topic of sex will always surface somewhere, and I will always sit on the sidelines because I have nothing to share or empathize with. And that’s okay! I never understood why people felt sorry about sexual life, or lack thereof. Virginity isn't an illness. Its a choice.
Making a decision to wait for sex until marriage isn't a decision I regret. There are a lot of preconceptions that come along with sex like, “Isn't your first time with someone after marriage going to be awkward?”. I’ll say probably, but “we could be awkward together”. Marriage is a ‘we’ thing. And, no, I’m not afraid that I’ll die alone because no one will wait with me. There are seven billion people on this earth. I don’t think every man I come across with cripple at the thought of celibacy.
Some things I’ve learned…..
I did Daughters of Destiny approximately nine years ago. I’m almost twenty now and there’s a couple of things I’ve learned along the way:
Marriage is the goal. And yes, dating is fun, but if you’re not down to wait, that’s okay. We’re just not compatible for a relationship.
Sex is the highest form of human intimacy. I believe humans share energies. You know that energy when you walk into a room and you feel the vibe is off. I’m taking precaution in who I share my spiritual energy with.
I want there to be more than a physical attachment. What happens when you’re mad? How do you alleviate pressure? Would you still love me even if I looked like Celie with my pre-braid out plaits? Do you believe, and would you practice other forms of intimacy? And most importantly, could you respect my decision to wait?
Being sexually active takes responsibility. And I want to guarantee that my partner and I are responsible enough to deal with any of life’s hiccups along the way.
I believe in compromise for simple things like what to eat for dinner, or where to go. But if you're asking me to compromise one of my core values after I’ve told you how dear I hold them to my heart, then that speaks a lot on your character and how you value my personal values
The Ring…
I wear my symbol of celibacy on my left ring finger where a wedding band is supposed to replace it in the future. At the end of Daughters of Destiny, we were given rings to signify our promise to God and ourselves that we would wait till marriage. On my ring reads “True Love Waits” to signify that my “one true love” will wait with me. I know it sounds silly, like something out of a Disney movie but, abstaining from sex can possibly be one of the most rewarding experiences for a couple. It exercises your strength, your willingness to sacrifice for your partner, your willingness to sacrifice for yourself. I believe abstaining allows a deeper connection. It challenges both partners intimately, and spiritually.
So, for anyone who’s ever asked why I choose celibacy, this one is for you. You now know everything. So take the things I’ve supplied you with, and maybe you and your partner could try celibacy for your own reasons. Hey, if premarital sex is your groove, then do your thang. But you now know why its not mine.
Btw, check out this awesome Ted Talk by Yvonne Orji on why she chooses to wait below: