I was watching a clip of popular daytime talkshow “The Real” and the topic of the segment was children. One of the hosts, Jeannie Mai was put on the spot and openly discussed her opposition about having children. When discussing this she mentioned how her husband— even on agreeing early in the relationship that they weren't in a rush to have children— now longed for fatherhood. Mai expressed how she wasn't really ready to have children, just because she didn’t want to. And when she said this, she was re-affirmed on how her choice to not have children was temporary because its what every women wants essentially.
Watching this reminded me of a time this past winter break when I was catapulted into a conversation about my future, and the never-failing topic of children surfaced. There was a time in my life that I did want children, and I say that like it was so long ago, as if I’m not on the cusp of 20. But in this conversation, and like lots of conversations I have, it seems as if people can’t understand what boundaries are. Let me explain; when people generally ask about my future, the normal conversation surfaces: a good career, husband, dog, kids. I want all of that, except the kids part. When people hear this, they suddenly look at me as if was the most pitiful thing they’d ever seen in their life. And, I don’t know if it could be that I’ve already made a harrowing decision so early in my life, or that society’s expectation tells people that women are supposed to want children, but I, like a lot of women, just don’t want them. You should see the reaction people give me after I tell them I don’t want kids. Every time I mention it, its almost like my contribution to society has been diminished. What generally follows after I tell people I don’t want kids is an emotionally violent response as to why I will have, and want children in the future. It generally goes something like this:
“Oh don’t say that. You're gonna want children in the future. You’re going to be lonely. You’re not going to find a husband either because men want a family…”
Are your expectations of me that my sole purpose on this earth is only so that I can bear children? Do you not see me as a person, a human? My future comes at the expense of what? Loneliness? Why do you only see me as a prop? If you want children, have them all, but don’t force your expectations on me. You don’t tell men the same thing. Why tell women? But, can we also talk about how my body, my being, is now for the purpose for what men want? Please forgive me in advance if I didn't know that my life on this earth is to serve men. My womanhood is not determined by how motherly I am supposed to become.
I find it so crazy that little girls are pushed into being “motherly” early in life. Did you notice at the store the toy aisle for little girls are stocked with “Baby Alives’ and family-esque barbies? Catered toward a market for little girls, maternalism is pushed on little girls at an early age, while across the aisle little boys are showered with toy cars and trucks, action figures, and robots. I’m not anti-motherhood. I am anti force-feeding motherhood.
When she was alive, I watched my grandmother adopt so many people as her own children. My mom said when she asked my grandmother what she wanted to be in life, my grandmother would always respond “a mother”. And so she was, to many people, deserving and undeserving. And maybe that’s why I don't want children. Maybe because I watched her mother so many. But I wonder today if I told someone that my life goals were to be a mother, would they argue? And there’s absolutely nothing wrong wit
h that, but if I say I don’t want children why argue and try to convince me that I do?
We live in a society that expects women to want children because we’re women and that’s what were supposed to desire. And it doesn't matter how many times we say we don’t society tells us that we do. But society needs to understand is that my womanhood and matriarchal attributes are not mutually exclusive.